| feelings dont go away just like that |
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| well..today, my friend Hao told me i didnt look very happy. i looked upset. i didnt think i looked upset. i thought i looked normal. i guess Hao saw right through me because i was actually pretty upset. he was probably the only person who probably noticed at school or something like that i guess. school is like kicking me in the ass..and im not really doing anything about it. im worrying about it but im at the point where i just dont want to do my work. it's like i know i should and im going to make it worse if i dont, but its like i dont care but i really do. i dont know how to explain it. and plus im pretty upset about other stuff too. like that past entry i wrote about. but there's more. im also pretty upset that the fact my younger brother has no heart at all. he's pretty smart in school, but in life he's such an idiot. he treats family like trash. like he's all big and stuff. like he can do things without us. what is that? if mom and dad werent here, what makes him think he'd be here. if mom and dad didnt care about him, what makes him think he'd have food, clothes, and shelter. when my mom tries to spill her guts out to him he's always like shut up i dont wanna hear it or like w/e or go away leave me alone or i dont care. in a non caring type of tone and that just pisses me off. its like scratching at a chalk board and HAVING TO listen to it. i cant take it. i have SATs tomorrow. im not even studying. i care but what am i doing? im on xanga blogging about crap. i know there are people out there that have to deal with worse things but i mean thats their life and this is mine. i feel bad for others. belive me. im one of the most sympathetic people, but right now i feel really down and i dont know what to do. haha i thought i was depressed or something i guess last month but not really, im not sure. my hair is starting to fall out again though. writing things down is pretty great but knowing no one is listening to me or reading what i write, there's no point. im writing because somewhere inside, i hope someone will read this and tell me its okay. that i will be just fine. thats pretty much what i want to hear. i want to actually talk to someone though. |
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| hmm..i guess im gonna start writing here when i feel down well.. i havent been in a good mood lately. i could be pms-ing, but when girls pms do they say what they really feel? like deep down on a regular day they know it bothers them but they wont really react to it or say anything about it. well im pretty upset right now. im not happy how we are. we dont talk and you dont really do much about it. do you really care how i feel? i mean you use to talk to me just fine. i dont get it. you dont even call me. the only time you do is when i call and you missed the call. i look back at stuff and its full of life. when i look at things now its black and white. you dont even have fun with me or it doesnt seem like it. but i guess thats how people are. when they want something they do w/e to get it but after a while of having w/e it is, they just dont bother as much but when its taken away from them they realize how much they want it. its like a child and their toy. i guess i'll back off. havent really tried it. i guess i'll just do that.. do you understand me at all? |
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